This guyis pretty awesome. I’m planning on writing 10 word blogs once a week or so, so make sure to keep an eye out for them.
Dutifully walking
Carries the cross on his shoulders
Beautiful love
Lord Please Help Me Help My Stupid Self April 20, 2009
It was really difficult putting my thoughts together on this topic because I have so much to say about it, hopefully it makes sense :] Enjoy!
This morning I woke up to find myself hating myself…again. It was a kind of intense hate that I’ve never felt towards anyone else, even the ones who truly deserve it. My hate was so raw that I was torn between being disgusted by myself and disgusted by God for loving someone like me. I actually found myself begging God to stop loving me because his love made me feel guilty about my own lack of love. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time these thoughts have run through my head. I’ve struggled with this ever since I can remember, but I’ve always been really good at ignoring it. Over the past few weeks, I’ve either started hating myself a lot more or I’ve completely given up on trying to ignore it.
I struggle with apathy. I really struggle with apathy. The most dangerous thing you can do is stop caring and I stopped caring a very, very long time ago. (It’s due to a combination of two things: that’s just the way I cope with stress and my fear of failure and it’s a manifestation of past issues that I’m not willingly to deal with just yet.) My apathy has single handedly messed up every aspect of my life. I recognize that. I hate it. I’ve tried really hard to change. I’ve failed. I’ve failed. I’ve failed. I’ve failed.
The more I try, the more I fail, the more I stop caring, and ultimately, the more I hate myself.
Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of crap, more so than usual, for being such a fail. I get where people are coming from. They love me and want the best for me but they’re frustrated, and rightfully so. I don’t expect people to put up with my problems and in a way, I don’t want them to, so sometimes I fail on purpose to push people away. I hate that. But when these well-intentioned people confront me with my failures, it only makes things worse. I’m not stupid. I know when I’m messing up. I’ve beat myself up about it a million times already and thank you very much, but I don’t need another reminder. Upon hearing this, they will usually respond with, “Well, if you know, why don’t you just stop do something about it?” I’ve tried. I’ve tried. I’ve tried. I’ve tried. I’ve failed.
One of the first things you learn when you become a Christian is that you can’t change yourself. Somewhere along the line, we forget that, or brush it off to the side. A lot of people, like myself, pick and choose the issues we present God with. Some things come up in life and I’ll automatically hand it over to God and let him deal with it. But other things, like the problems that would result from my apathy, I’ll try to fix myself. Then I’ll fail. Then I’ll ask God to help me help my stupid self. Then I’ll fail. Again.
I was talking to a family friend the other day who gave me some of the best advice I’ve heard in a while. I was telling her about how I had been feeling horrible (because of my failures) and she told me that she had struggled with the same thing (getting a lot of crap for something, wanting to change, knowing what you should do, but not being able to do it). She had struggled with a single issue for over 20 years and no matter what she did she couldn’t overcome it. After a while, she gave up on trying. She handed it over to God, asked a couple people to pray for her and went on with her life, failures and all. Slowly, but surely, God has changed her heart and just recently she noticed that she has completely overcome it. Her advice to me was, “Stop trying so hard to fit into this mold that you think is right for you. Eventually you’re just going to wear yourself out and give up completely. Most people get turned off by religion because they try too hard to look like this image of what a good Christian should be. Let him do the work. He’s the only one who knows what’s best for you, let him lead you.”
The point I want to get across is that we all have areas in our lives where we fail (mine just happens to be all of them). We need to stop trying to deal with them and let God take care of it. Trust me, he will work it out in the way which bring him the most glory, and that’s always the best way. Also, and this is just me speaking from experience, when you see things you don’t like in others, don’t confront them. Pray for them.
Feedback is always appreciated so what do you guys think? Agree? Disagree? Is there anything you want to add/subtract? Any advice for people struggling? Or maybe you’re the one struggling? Whatever the case may be, I would love to hear from you :]
I Hate Armenians…or do I? April 19, 2009
This is the first real “blog” I have ever written. It was taken directly from my facebook page. You can read it along with the comments here. Unfortunately, you can only view it if you’re a facebook member. Enjoy!
I get a lot of crap for saying, “I hate Armenians.” But I still say it, and I say it a lot. Maybe I deserve the crap I get, or maybe people just don’t understand where I’m coming from. Let me clarify.
I love Armenian culture. I love our history. I love what Armenia stands for. I love that we were the first Christian nation. I love Vartan Mamikonian for risking his life and leading the Armenians in a war to protect their Christianity. I love Ani, the City of 1,001 churches. I love the 1.5 million people who decided they would much rather die than denounce the name of Christ. I love our values. I love the song “I love red, blue, and orange.” I love most of our food. I love everything about Armenians, traditionally speaking.
I hate the representation of Armenia through the Armenians in our community. I hate the excessive pride. I hate the materialism. I hate the fakeness. I hate the need to steal from the government. I hate the justification for stealing from the government. I especially hate the ignorance. I hate the temperamental, violent men. I hate the snarky women. I hate the division in families. I hate the spoiled children. I hate cruising on Glenoaks. I hate basturma. I hate everything about Armenians, contemporarily speaking.
When I think of the Armenians in my community, I must admit, “hate” is in fact the first word that comes to mind. But I also feel ashamed. I am ashamed at how my beloved country is being portrayed in the community. I am ashamed that our rich, cultural heritage is being overshadowed by our pride, ignorance, and greed. I am ashamed that somewhere along the line, we’ve lost our values and forgotten our history. We should be ashamed. Lately I’ve been wondering what Vartan Mamikonian would think if he could see the state of our current generation. Would he regret all the effort he put into preserving his nation’s religion? Would he see his efforts as a waste? No, I don’t think he would. Instead, I think he would be heart-broken. I think it would break his heart to see so many Armenians wearing crosses around their necks destined to hell because nobody cared enough to take the time to truly explain that the cross represents love, freedom, external salvation, and a host of other things. I think it would break his heart to see how true Christians are being treated in the Armenian community. I think it would break his heart to see how quickly Armenians run away from the very mention of Christ’s name. We should be ashamed. Have we forgotten the wars fought and the innocent Armenian lives lost to insure our Christianity? Surely we must have. Look at us today, we live in a nation where we can worship our Savior freely, without the fear of being tortured, raped or killed, and yet we choose not to. By choosing not to be Christians, I feel we are spitting in these people’s faces and basically saying, “You were stupid to risk/lose your life fighting for something that isn’t even real.” Were our ancestors really that dumb?? We should be ashamed. Every Armenian talks about pride, honor, and respect, so why don’t we take pride in our history and honor our heroic ancestors by adopting the very religion they died to protect?
I truly pity the current state of Armenians. I pity their ignorance. It hurts me when I see people with crosses around their necks who know nothing about what that means. I pity people who think lighting candles at church will somehow makes things better. What really breaks my heart is when people think their only hope for happiness lies in material wealth, alcohol, drugs, sex, and popularity. I pity the people who feel they can’t change their lives because of social or familial pressures. I pity those who feel that their entire world revolves around what others think of them. I pity those who don’t know Jesus Christ. I pity those who don’t want to know Jesus Christ. But most of all, I pity those who will never know Jesus Christ.
But amongst all this hate, shame, and pity, I still manage to find room for hope. I have hope in our generation. The last generation screwed up and in turn screwed us up too. I think that we, first generation Armenian Americans, are truly the lost generation, but I have hope that we will soon become the found generation. I have hope that all those searching for something more, something that is currently missing, will find it not in money, friends, drugs, or alcohol, but in the everlasting glory of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I have hope that all Armenians are truly good people. I have hope because no sin is too great for Jesus Christ. I have hope because nothing is irreversible. I have hope because we are still young and able. I have hope because we need hope. I have hope because I have Jesus Christ.
When I moved to Burbank a few years ago, I experienced a major culture shock. I had never in my life been around so many Armenians for such an extended period of time and I think I suffered through intense depression my first year here because I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it. I think just recently God has been helping me grow so that I don’t just learn to tolerate Armenians, but to truly love them. I’m not sure I’m there yet, but I can honestly say that I do care A LOT about them. I think I care so much because I’ve witnessed so much of the pain and emptiness first hand and I know that the only way to heal the pain and fill the emptiness is through Christ. I just wish everyone could see that.
I hope you guys don’t think I’m crazy. This is the first time I’ve really put myself and my thoughts out there and for most of you it’s the first time you’ve heard me mention my faith, and I’m pretty nervous about it so I ask that you guys would be kind and at least think about some of the things I’ve mentioned.
Okay, so I think I should end this soon. First of all, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. I might have lost some of you around the forth paragraph or after the first mention of Jesus Christ or maybe after the first sentence, but I’m still thankful regardless :]. But I also want your feedback. Why do you think we’re such a lost generation? When did we lose pride in our religion? When did we lose our religion? How can we reach out to the Armenian youth? Why hasn’t enough been done thus far? Maybe something stuck out to you that you want to discuss in more detail, maybe you’re feeling trapped by the Armenian mentality and need a way out, or maybe you just want to catch up – regardless of the reason, feel free to message or im me or whatever, I would love to hear from you 
Okay so I’m officially done after this next statement, sorry for the extra long read 
I love my culture with my whole heart, but the only thing I can truly take pride in is the fact that I know Jesus Christ. How about you?
